the eve...

of my trip to seattle!

i'm looking forward to a break and a vacation. a nice clean break from all that is horrible and tiring and trying and painful. from work and from whatever else that ails me. sometimes the best intentions aren't enough.

"i didn't mean to kill the kid!!"

the outcome, of course, is that someone still died.

i bought an electric toothbrush (finally) and i'm in love with it. i'm a tad obsessed.

i should really pack for my trip tomorrow. my roommate bugged me slightly yesterday.

i've always been enraptured with independence. i've always chafed at being held back or being reigned in or being asked questions about what i'm doing, why, how, when, etc.

i don't like it. i never will. even if i don't know--the only person that will be able to figure it out is ME. if i wanted to have to answer to someone, i'd have married or stayed dependent on my family. i haven't for a reason. i've also been about fairness and privacy. i respect people's privacy and i expect the same. that's where fairness comes in.

it's one thing if this sort of thing comes up in normal conversation--but we all know that there's a difference. there's a different feel and a different way of broaching it. from...

"oh, how was your weekend, did you do anything fun?"

to

"yeah...i noticed you weren't home...could you just like...make sure you let me know when you are going somewhere. i mean i'm not keeping tabs. i just don't want to worry."

this coming from someone who is gone for days at a time and never bothers telling me where she's gone or going as well. plus she knows i am gone days at a time for work. sorry, but you aren't my boss--i do not need to submit my schedule of work to you. and my schedule of play is never up for grabs.

i'm honest--but that doesn't necessarily mean i'm open.

i think she realized she crossed a line though. her reasoning was "it's not that i'm keeping tabs on you or anything--i just worry when i don't see you for a couple of days."

well. i might be inclined to believe that if:

1. we had that type of relationship.
2. she wasn't missing at all hours of the night everyday of the week.
3. she made me privy to all of HER comings and goings.
4. if she herself ever gave me notice when she goes missing days at a time.
5. etc.etc.etc.

i honestly don't believe i'm overreacting. i just can't stand people being nosy and prying into my business and acting like it's a sincere inquiry when none of the actions they themselves display are consistent with it. i'm not angry--just annoyed.

my answer to her was "honestly, i'm not used to answering to anyone and i doubt that would ever change. i won't always tell you where i'm going or what i'm doing unless it comes up. and i don't expect you to tell me what you're up to--which you already don't do as well...so, yeah."

anyhow, she did end up feeling extremely uncomfortable and apologizing. but this is the 3rd time we've had this conversation. i mean seriously--stop bugging me. next time i might be more succinct. if you have gotten this reaction and answer from me before--chances are--THAT'S THE ANSWER. it won't change.

it's not personal. i just don't like people getting up in my personal business in the guise of "concern." heck. i didn't like it when my own family asked me questions--what makes you think i owe you any explanation about what i do in my free time or if i'm traveling for work?

besides. i know it's not concern. i have a strong suspicion it's just for her own selfish reasons. my instincts aren't terrible. you can't do my job and have no instincts. it really is about going with your guts and--i am good at what i do. and i'm just saying--be honest and open and i'll be the same back to you. otherwise--don't expect me to do something you aren't willing to do yourself.

homey don't play that. (i loved that skit)

old book, new chapters

it's been just over 6 months now since my major move from sleepy, quaint, gorgeous bellingham, washington to bright lights, big city, hip brooklyn, new york. i guess timing hits about right for me to start reflecting on everything.

i'm not sure if it's a normal thing to do or not--hanging on to the remnants of ghosts in your past--but perhaps i've been guilty of this action. i've tried so hard to maintain my sense of self (so successful that i have become someone i don't quite recognize), my relationships (morbid at best), my new job (successful), and having a semblance of a social life (ehhhhh).

i'm so blessed for all the things i do have--so i feel more than fine griping about what i don't have. :)

which leads me to my present rancor. when you're hanging onto something from your past--does it spell doom for the future?

the answer for me--in my present situation--seems to be yes.

i guess i wanted something so much that i forgot to think about myself and my current status.

i made the classic mistake of holding onto something from the past. i made the mistake of thinking that my past could morph into my future--and forgot that the present still exists--that i can't get to my future without my present. i also seem to have made the mistake of thinking that my past was somehow more important than the actual present.

and then i added the mistake of thinking that my past, which fit so well in my past present--would also fit into my current present.

wrong.
wrong.
wrong.

i hate when i'm wrong.

i guess you can't hold onto things forever--and you shouldn't. things weren't meant to be forever. and that's fine.

leading me to my 2 horrible situations. it seems that maintaining certain relationships nearly prohibits a social life of some sort. the two--are linked (imagine that).

so. i will make sure now to fully appreciate the gift i've been given here.

it's time to live again.

~~~

i know my blog is public--but it always is such a surprise when people i don't know leave comments. i mean, it's not a bad thing...it's just...how'd they even find the blog?

~~~

bellingham, washington

brooklyn, new york