being contradictory by nature...

sucks.

my verbage is cynical and realistic and yet i can't seem to reconcile my feelings to be the same. it insists upon being the wide-eyed, eternally optimistic child.

i'm apparently hellbent on destroying myself and my sanity.

but if i let people destroy that side of me then i lose.

and i hate losing. so i guess i live with my personal frustration.

but the one thing i've always hated are trashy people. this post is not about that however, so....

that aside--one of the things i've always hated are people with no loyalty. i can never quite trust people that are close friends with everyone. even when they know if person a has done something terrible to person b and they are still great friends with person a. i respect it and their decision. but i can't really trust them.

i'm not a very forgiving person perhaps. whatever my faults may be--i am a loyal person. when i've accepted you into my life--you were given my full loyalty. that means i don't hurt you on purpose, i don't talk shit about you to someone else, i don't make you look bad in front of others and i certainly don't go around blabbing about my issues with you to anyone who would listen. least of all, someone you don't like/might be jealous of/whatever the case may be. i just don't do it.

and if i don't treat you so disrespectfully--i expect the same. and maybe that's where i mess up. i expect people to have the same respect and integrity. and it sucks when i'm slapped in the face with the opposite.

there are rules. loyalties. priorities. what choice do you make?

family or friends?
friends or strangers?
strangers or enemies?
significant other or acquaintances?
acquaintances or friends?

oh well.

live and learn.