well. it's not all that exciting to most people. but to me--it is.
i'm moving out on my own!!! i found a great place. just a 2 unit building. the landlords seem ultra-cool and live downstairs. i live in the upstairs unit. and it's super cute! there's even a little office area off of the bedroom (which, of course, is perfect for me). i'm very excited. not so much for the cost of living alone in nyc, but excited nonetheless...so here's to a new budget!
i'll be in my same neighborhood of park slope in brooklyn, which is great because i love my neighbhorhood.
also, i am HOOKED on penta water. i can TASTE AND FEEL the difference when i drink it. i don't usually do the whole bottled water thing (it's not very eco-friendly) but when your reusable water cannister runs out of water while you're driving around in the summer--you have to purchase. anyhow--it tastes INCREDIBLE and i FEEL incredible right after the first sip. plus--the weirdest thing--lately, whenever i drink from my tap? my stomach has started cramping up right away...i'm not sure what that means or why--but it freaks me out a little. and when kristina was here--it was happening to her too...anyhow. i haven't seen penta too many places? but i do know you can get it at fairway and whole foods.
another thing i am hooked on. suki products. i use the balancing day moisturizer and the exfoliate foaming cleanser. having come from the cosmetics industry, i can truly say that my skin has never looked or felt so good. i have that young skin glow again. i mean, i am pretty sure i've been aging pretty well anyhow? but it helps to use good products. the ingredients are incredible, natural and organic, and the price--while steep, is nowhere near as steep as say the terrible products of estee lauder or lancome, etc. you can go to www.sukipure.com for more information. it is also sold at whole foods.
i actually did cry when i heard. i'm not sure if it was a combination of stresses going on in my life or if it was purely for him? but i did.
but i'll take this moment to say the following:
1. i never believed all the allegations. i honestly didn't and still don't. anyone who knows me would say that i'm a pretty jaded person too. naive on some levels, yes--but mostly cynical. i also don't believe kobe raped the britney look-alike. i believe he committed adultery--but not rape. and to use that as an example--the point is...it was nothing but dishonorable people trying to make an easy buck off their kids. people acquitted kobe because he is this great athlete and looks good, acts normal, looks normal, etc. they didn't give the same courtesy to mj because he looked weird, acted weird, etc.
oj was acquitted and, in my eyes, shouldn't have been. phil spector was not. again--an athlete versus a weird looking man. we're such a society based on physical appearances.
it's a shame.
2. he transcended so many levels. from his humanitarian work in life to using his talent with music to speak on social, political, and personal issues. i don't believe there was a malicious bone in his body. and that to me--is something i can't even begin to understand. i'm not the nicest sort. too many barriers and pride and whatever else. like a moth to a flame i suppose...
3. i'm tearing up a little now. it's just wrong. it's been a few days and i feel somewhat bereft and i didn't even know him personally or anything. but i think, you can appreciate greatness when you see it.
i hate when good people....truly good people, with all their flaws, are brought down by greed, malice, and ignorance.
i don't know if there's an afterlife. i never cared so much about it. the only reason why i care? because i don't want people who commit heinous acts to get away with it. i want them to burn. suffer. and receive the worst possible justice. i'm not a forgiving sort i guess. and now...i care for one more added reason. i hope he's at peace and happy wherever he's at.
i hope people can appreciate him the way he ought to be remembered. as a musical genius (even if his music wasn't your cup of tea), as a quiet humanitarian (who didn't flaunt it like angelina jolie), and as an innocent and accepting human being.
but i do have even better news than that. i was offered a promotion today! yay!
so i will still be doing what i do, but basically have added responsibilities. because of this promotion, i will basically be traveling to washington dc every couple of months. i'm excited for the opportunity--just not so much for the traveling. but i will say, one of the best parts of living in the east coast--is the relatively easy distance between large metro areas.
i am definitely going to have to do some sightseeing! i still have yet to make it to tour dc so yay!
with updating this blog and remembering to write about things i really wanted to write about...but here are some interesting links/sites that i think some of the people i know should read! 2 articles by johann hari (love him!) that merit reading for sure.
my verbage is cynical and realistic and yet i can't seem to reconcile my feelings to be the same. it insists upon being the wide-eyed, eternally optimistic child.
i'm apparently hellbent on destroying myself and my sanity.
but if i let people destroy that side of me then i lose.
and i hate losing. so i guess i live with my personal frustration.
but the one thing i've always hated are trashy people. this post is not about that however, so....
that aside--one of the things i've always hated are people with no loyalty. i can never quite trust people that are close friends with everyone. even when they know if person a has done something terrible to person b and they are still great friends with person a. i respect it and their decision. but i can't really trust them.
i'm not a very forgiving person perhaps. whatever my faults may be--i am a loyal person. when i've accepted you into my life--you were given my full loyalty. that means i don't hurt you on purpose, i don't talk shit about you to someone else, i don't make you look bad in front of others and i certainly don't go around blabbing about my issues with you to anyone who would listen. least of all, someone you don't like/might be jealous of/whatever the case may be. i just don't do it.
and if i don't treat you so disrespectfully--i expect the same. and maybe that's where i mess up. i expect people to have the same respect and integrity. and it sucks when i'm slapped in the face with the opposite.
there are rules. loyalties. priorities. what choice do you make?
family or friends? friends or strangers? strangers or enemies? significant other or acquaintances? acquaintances or friends?
one lao person bombarded with 8 luxembourgish people? what are the odds???
none of which are actual native luxembourgish (1 german, 1 estonian, 2 parisians, 2 marseillians (?), and 2 slovakians.
but it was loads of fun and I'M SO DAMN TIRED.
maybe i'll give a more detailed version of the past few weeks...but suffice to say--there was a lot of walking, drinking, eating, talking, watching, touring, shopping, and other things!
loved every minute of it--but so glad to sleep tonight.
my turn next!
so my plan is to visit france/germany/estonia/2 days in luxembourg. i'll have to plan it abit better/more indepth about where to land/leave from, etc. but it should be great!
i reapplied for a new passport a few weeks ago--my 2 houseguests left today--and my new book arrives tomorrow!
pretty incredible timing. i think it's a sign that i really need to go.
september--europe--here i come!!
it works well monetarily too. whenever you play host to visitors for any extended period of time--your money takes a vacation too--as in--you spend like you're on vacation! so i have definitely been spending!
so i'm going to take the next few weeks to be a little more careful with my money.
anyhow. i'm tired and have to do some extensive cleaning/laundry/etc. today and tomorrow. i'll find the time to post some pictures!
it's probably a combination of zyrtec, emotional frazzlement, work kicking into high gear, travel, and heat. but whatever combination it's from--it exists.
i need to rest, but work has gotten busier and friends are coming to visit this friday--which, don't get me wrong--i'm completely excited for--but it also means less rest--and all i want is maybe 3 solid days of sleep, recovery, and recuperation. i had the apartment all to myself this past weekend--which was GREAT. but weekends never last long enough. no surprise. it didn't this time either.
sometimes you make these tough life decisions--you know? the ones that tell you, "welcome to adulthood." and for better or for worse...what's done is done. and what's been done cannot be undone...cause you can't go back in the past. you can only move forward. and i'm not the type of person that has liked to dwell on the past much--i like forward. i like movement. i like hope. and i'm fascinated by faith. all these words tell me future. i guess i'm a bit of a stargazer. and that's the side of me that's romantic. that's why i love those sci-fi/futuristic/fantasy movies/epic compositions type stuff. it harkons of things..events...that...
could be. maybe should be. . . hopefully will be.
here's hoping.
~~~ question: what do you do if you've fucked up.
answer: do the following steps IN ORDER IMMEDIATELY.
1. admit, sincerely, that you fucked up, to yourself and to the other person/thing. 2. acknowledge specifically what it is you did wrong. 3. apologize profusely until they accept it. 4. repeat as necessary.
unless you killed someone i can't see how this fails. here's to future happinesses and all that jazz...
i've just been SO TIRED. like...unbearably. i hate allergy season. the homeopathic sublingual pills i found that were working in the pacific northwest don't work quite as well here in ny. that could possibly be due to the fact that i'm supposed to pop the suckers under my tongue 3 times a day. i'm sorry, but i just can't remember to do that. i remember once a day and that's pretty much it. it has to be easier than that. like the zyrtec. but the zyrtec is really messing with me. i just feel like a terrible walking zombie. it's an awful feeling. terrible really.
go adam lambert! (watching the results show right now).
the musician in me loves the versatility and all-around talent of kris allen.
the disctinctive voice of danny gokey is great to hear (you'd know that voice anywhere, much like hearing peter cetera or sth).
but it's the incredible range, power, purity, and evocative quality of adam lambert's voice that steals my vote...well. if i voted.
was absolutely awesome. overall a great movie for what it was supposed to be/do. i loved it. i loved the shoutouts to all the catchphrases from the original series and i loved zachary quinto (sylar from heroes) as spock. chris pine was perfect as capt. james t. kirk as well. overall very well casted and jj abrams did a pretty good job.
my only complaint is--during some of the hand-to-hand combat scenes...well. they lacked any originality--really--anything at all. they stunk. what's the point in having a combat scene with no combat? they could have been and should have been much better choreographed. hell, it may as well have been 2 babies fighting over a toy--and the eventual winner won only because the other baby's mama came to take him home.
that's not good. but other than that--GREAT.
in the end--i'd still go and see it--again. there were a lot of times i was sitting up in my seat (and considering i was in one of those awful front seat rows, that's saying a lot).
next stop:
--terminator: salvation --up --transformers:revenge of the fallen --harry potter and the half blood prince --there was a preview that i liked as well but i can't remember what it was for besides that it's got jack black and michael cera in it --and maybe gi joe. maybe. i'm a sucker for action flicks with cheesy humor to break up the violence even though i never liked the cartoon as a kid.
i am blogging from the hamptons--and will be back home tomorrow evening. when i left a few days ago--the swine flu news was "new" and now it's become my mainstay from every channel i watch. i'm not scared of going home to good ole brooklyn. but people here don't even talk about it.
i ordered 60 n-95 respirator masks online and they should arrive mid-next week. i will probably hit the cvs here in southampton before i head home tomorrow as well. i don't care how dorky i look--i will be wearing one while riding the subways! besides, my roommate was coughing and hacking the night before i left--i might want to wear one around the house too!
i've always carried around hand sanitizer so that was nothing new, but i have stocked up as well. i use this one:
i also take the new chapter organics "every woman's one daily" and the new chapter organics "immunity take care." i think i've done pretty much all i can do to prevent--so now, whatever happens, happens!
although i really should get on that living will thing. perhaps i'm getting paranoid, but i'm coughing slightly and i have a slight headache. we'll see!
THANK GOD FOR AMERICAN IDOL AND ADAM LAMBERT! way to keep my spirits up. where others have failed you have come through.
i feel like i should do a lot of things towards securing a more stable future for myself. as if the economy isn't enough of a worry there's now swine flu. i was so busy glaring at the pigeons flying around me that i overlooked george clooney's former pet.
damn it.
i am going out and buying myself one of those hospital masks in the next couple of days. my roommate tripped in coughing something fierce yesterday night and i left this morning for my 3 day trek to the hamptons. so hopefully when i get back she isn't a mess all over the place and at least quarantines herself in her room a little. so i think sometime in the next few weeks i'm going to create a living will sort of thing. i actually now have assets to protect--imagine that!
anyhow, looking forward to a few movies. as intelligent as i am, i'm not so pretentious as to claim to only watch foreign flicks or whatever. i LOVE summer blockbusters. lovem--the more action, the better. hey, i was raised on foreign kung fu flicks!
--star trek --terminator salvation --wolverine --harry potter and the half blood prince --up --angels and demons --transformers revenge of the fallen
so i am basically going to be spending my entire summer at the theatre--or at least--the VERY HOT days. there's usually 3 times where there are 3 day stretches of interminably hot i-want-to-shoot-myself-and-everyone-else weather here in nyc.
well. in the doing everything i wanted to do sort of way!
friday: went to watch monsters vs aliens in 3d. the movie had stephen colbert AND hugh laurie in it--and still stunk...BUT the 3d aspect was INCREDIBLE. so i recommend going to watch it just for that! they just don't make quality flicks like finding nemo and stuff anymore.
saturday: rearranged my room for "summer"--meaning i moved my bed from the window/fire escape so that i can get better access to it and didn't do much else!
sunday: i've been walking around EVERYWHERE...or at least what seems like it. went from union square to midtown to chelsea to lower east side to greenwich. had spanish tapas at a place called "pia tol" (the waiters were cute but the food stunk for the average/high price of tapas. euzkadi was better and euzkadi wasn't INCREDIBLE. best places were still the 2 places in boston. had some gelato...wasn't great either actually. oh well.
but i'm feeling good and maybe i'm acclimating a little to the weather here--it was in the 90s and i wasn't feeling too badly so yay!
~~~ advice section:
question: how do you stay mad at someone who deserves you to be mad at them even when you no longer feel it and just want to be on the happy side again?
answer: remember the pain and hope they either mess up again--or if you like them--hope they are smart enough to make it up to you sooner rather than later!
and yet something out there is pissing me off to no end.
but here are the things i get to look forward to!
1. going home tomorrow after a week away! 2. dinner and a movie or a free concert tomorrow night 3. picking up my GLASSES!!!! :))))) tomorrow night 4. the end of a goal cycle this month which means a good chunk of money by mid-may...which comes just in time for... 5. angelika coming to visit from the 22nd of may to the 31st!!!!!!
not looking forward to:
1. hamptons on monday 2. short feeling weekends 3. nyc summers 4. diets that need to happen 5. being more aggressive with my savings and really trying the suze orman "live on half your income" diet. but i'm determined to really do this. and that's hard to do living here in nyc!
we definitely overcooked for our lao new year's dinner party though.
a TON of larb gai a TON of beeng gai a TON of mieng a TON of tum maak hoong a TON of gang naw mai a TON of beer lao
i wish i had 5 stomachs so that i could eat as much as i want and not gain weight in just 1 body.
week in jersey tomorrow and i got half of my glasses. i went in for my checkup last friday and the prescription sunglasses were ready--but the regular prescription glasses were not. sad.
i am testing out new contacts as well because the other ones were not very comfortable against my eyes.
~~~
question:
what should i do if i think my boyfriend is cheating on me?
answer:
hire a private eye and gas him out. if he is, use the key you have to his apartment, let yourself in while he's asleep one night, and tie him up as quick as possible. then grab that 2 liter bottle of water and use it to spit at his face. inbetween spitting tell him off or do anything verbal to make yourself feel better. after you leave, leave the key under the floormat and call one of his friends to let them know he needs to be untied. move on and don't tell the next guy you date this story until you're married.
it's going to sound totally stupid, but i'm SO EXCITED because i finally stepped up to the plate...and MADE AN EYE APPOINTMENT. it's been LONG overdue. i broke my glasses and then lost them about 8 months ago and have been wearing my LAST pair of monthly contact lenses for A YEAR NOW. it's stupid i know. because honestly it's not like i didn't have the money or whatnot...i just couldn't be bothered until now. so my own fault. but i'm stoked. totally stoked. i'm so freakin excited. so tomorrow i am headed to pearle vision and there is a bogo going on for glasses! so if i lose or break one--i will have an extra pair (of equal or lesser value) as backup. TOTALLY STOKED.
i'm also happy for other reasons. i do wish i could have gone to san francisco though.
i am hoping to catch some movies this weekend as well...
still haven't seen:
--monsters vs aliens --i love you man --duplicity --dragonball evolution (comes out tomorrow) --knowing
~~
i have also decided to start a little blurb that poses as advice giving--but really is more for my own amusement--though the advice given will really be what i believe! they will hopefully be short answers to perhaps complicated issues. the issues might range from the obscure to mundane--afterall, even obscure problems deserve answers.
for example:
question: i'm a guy and i just found out that the person i fell in love with is actually a dude. does that mean i'm gay?
answer: maybe dude. have sex to find out and let me know.
there were a few times i thought they might launch a comeback of near epic proportions...but they didn't. and i never wanted to be that person that combines something serious with entertainment (i've always been that person that hated "moral of the story" in a freakin comedy)...but i really was hoping michigan state would pull that upset over unc in yesterday's national title game. all because that region has had economic trouble even before the rest of the world. it's like one long, neverending misery story. and it's not like unc isn't a freakin institution when it comes to basketball already! i mean--between them, duke and uconn, hell. even uconn is undoubtedly 3rd in that game (with regards to the hallowed traditions). anyhow.
i hope this economy rights itself abit faster than reality tells me.
i think i had another oblivious blonde moment today. i feel bad for all the other retards--i bring the bracket down.
i am lovin this season of american idol...i have my favorites--but i swear to god that adam lambert is just freakin incredible. gay as hell--but the talent...i mean...people will kill me for this--but the range on that dude? flippin insane. i can't think of a guy with more range. it's insane. just insane. i like anoop and gokey too. paula is flippin mad as a rocking chair. she seems like an incredibly nice lady--but she's a freakin nutter. if i was sitting next to her i think i'd be laughing the entire freakin show. kudos to the other judges for being able to tune that out. i mean wow.
was really good! i think i'm prone to laughter anyways but it was pretty good--3 white guys doing their thing--a tad raunchy but otherwise good. i am ashamed to say i didn't bother listening to their names...brian something, forgot the middle guy's name, and pj something. i think. i could be way off and just making shit up--entirely possible. first guy was pretty hot looking too--come to think of it--they all weren't so bad.
an overnight trip tomorrow that i am unexpectedly making--and still a 10% chance that i'm headed to san fran this weekend. but i'm just not sure yet. i know i shouldn't. i'm not entirely well yet and i'm sure that if i went--i'll go back to being sick. plus it's about time that i really do go for an eye exam--which i am hoping to do this weekend!
is it silly to be this excited about being a platinum member for a hotel chain? cause i gotta tell you, i got the new card today and i'm pretty darn stoked!
1. i am now a PLATINUM hyatt member. that's right. PLATINUM. haha. next and last will be diamond--which should happen in a few months actually... 2. i am home for 2 weeks before starting my monthly treks again! 3. i am starting to get better--now i sound like i've been crying all the time--but at least not like a crotchety old man... 4. comedy show on sunday! 5. 1st annual lao new year's dinner party on the 18th!
the bad news:
1. still sick regardless. 2. am not going to san fran because of said sickness. 3. i'm really tired lately--probably because of the sickness. 4. some people i know just...don't appreciate the life they have, the life they've created, and whatever else. and it's a bit of a shame, really. the grass is always greener on the other side. i'm very happy with my life right now--definitely more than not--and after the life i've lead in the past--this has been such an incredible boon. but i just feel like people should wise up, stop acting stupid and start acting their age and situation in life.
just some news:
i love ellen degeneres. love her show--when i get the rare opportunity to catch it. but she does this segment--where she gives like...i think it's 2k to people that write in that are in need. and while i find that commendable...it KILLS me that the past few times i've seen this happen--they were to people i DO NOT think deserve/need this money more than others.
the first one was this woman who lived in a huge spanish style house and i thought to myself...ehhhhh. at least you have a roof over your head--a rather nice looking one at that. and she got a car as well. well, if she can't afford her house--why give her a car? how is that going to help?
the second was some mortuary worker who...get this...PAWNED the title to her car to THROW HER DAUGHTER A BIRTHDAY PARTY. seriously. can we get some perspective? some common sense? is your daughter a fuckin deity? i'm sorry but if you're that stupid you SHOULDN'T BE REWARDED. societal values really need to be evaluated. oh. and she had a 25k student loan to pay off. BOOHOO. anyone who has been to school and didn't come from a trust fund family has one of those!!! and that's a freakin MINIMUM amount.
so i know i've gotten better--but "better" doesn't mean that i feel anything close to good. i just feel like shit.
but the best news is--I GOT MY PATAGONIA PURCHASES on friday afternoon! yay! it was expected to be delivered monday--so it coming on friday was great. the jacket is awesome. lovvvvvvvve it. the color is awesome. it will be my summer jacket. the pants and skirt are a pretty unique and interesting take on capris/skirts. i like it.
on my way home from jersey last friday...i stopped by the carwash place a block from home and got my car officially washed. i had so much crap inside my actual car that i just told them to bypass the vacuuming. i know my car was filthy--after such a messy winter--but i wasn't too impressed with the wash/hand wipe job. i mean, my baby LOOKS great even from close up--all bright and shiny and clean looking--but when you go over it with a fine tooth comb--there was some black grease spots here and there that they didn't wipe off which i later did, and they just didn't do such a thorough job--but as i only payed $5.25 i guess i shouldn't complain overly much. but i swear they did a rather thorough job on all the cars before me! i was watching. they were probably told i only wanted a wash/wax and to not bother expending a ton of energy on a car that isn't making them much money. such foresight. i ended up cleaning up the entire inside afterwards (wiping the dash, vacuuming, etc.) so my baby has been happily pampered.
so i was diagnosed with walking pneumonia brought on by "exhaustion" and am on meds and was told to "take it easy" for a few days.
which is impossible of course since this is my jersey week. then i have plans this weekend (BBQ at mae's on saturday) and the hamptons the beginning of next week. i'll rest after i get back from there--and hope that i get better by then!
i'm tired. i think i will sleep early-ish tonight. i can certainly use it. i can most definitely use it!
i just hate the phlegm. i swear to god i am THE GROSSEST sick person anyone could ever meet. no joke. i really mean it. my family will attest to it, i'm sure. i'm not the kind of sick person that engenders "awww, poor thing." i'm the kind that gets the outright looks of disgust or, if the person is remotely polite, the crinkling of the nose.
but everyone shudders and walks a wide berth around me.
and i can't blame them. i just can't blame them. i'd give myself the disgusted look--and often do when i'm sick.
i can't wait for my clothes to come from patagonia!
there's been a lull in the movie industry for me since i saw slumdog millionairre. but there are a couple of movies i want to see (monsters vs aliens and i love you man) and then--the summer movie blockbuster season--TONS of movies i'm dying to see then. so yay!
i need rest. badddd. waking up is horrrrribly hard these days. i just want to be able to sleep an entire night through without waking up for various reasons and noises.
and i should stop traveling and drinking.
starting...2 more months. when i feel like things will start to calm down a little. or not...
i am out for dinner and drinks tomorrow and that's ALL i plan on doing this weekend. then travel for a 1 1/2 weeks.
one of my best friends is coming to visit me again! yay! so at the end of may, angelika will be here for 1 1/2 weeks for a short visit. i am mass excited for this. every single time she visits it's like picking up where we left off. it never feels awkward and i love it. the picture is from the last time she was here visiting.
i also bought a few items from patagonia today...so the following are pictures of nearly everything i wrote about today!
it's been a long week of drinking which culminated in a torrent of drinking last night...i was up at training all week and that was actually very well worth it. i really enjoyed it and i actually feel like i learned a lot. so that's always good!
i really am not a lush. it just comes in waves. i actually had a pretty busy saturday. met up with terri and joy for brunch (which i showed up a half hour late to) at "friend of a farmer" in union square. went shopping and bought a few things at sephora and ended our afternoon at "republic" in the same part of the city for a not-so-great apple martini. i found the brunch place from "time out new york" in their 2009 eating and drinking special.
i wasn't that impressed actually. i had their pumpkin pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, and skillet potatoes. the pancakes tasted good--but the execution was sadly lacking. they weren't fluffy, they were slightly dry, and portions were small.
after that, i went home, rested abit, and got ready for the evening. i arrived an hour late to "calico jacks" and thankfully, mae and gabriel got there relatively late as well--so that was good! 3 of their friends showed up about an hour after that and the party started.
i apparently am completely oblivious. which is hard to picture since i am also strangely perceptive and observant. what people don't quite understand, however, is that, there is really no rhyme or reason to what i might notice and what might, even if splattered in my face, could still go unnoticed.
apparently the lady selling bracelets for 1/2 off drinks had huge jugs. like HUGE. and barely covered, according to all in the party. didn't notice it. at all. she might have been flat as a board for all i saw.
i also didn't notice the guy that was dancing in my face. but mae had a nice time regaling about it sometime during the night. i vaguely remember some guy asking me to dance or asking me where i was going and/or why i didn't stop to hang out or something like that. to be frank, i just didn't care enough to really listen or pay attention. i didn't spare a glance at his face or anything else. the biggest thing i remember was answering "beer. i'm going to the bar for some beer." mind you, i wasn't drunk at this point. i only had 1 beer in me prior to this encounter. i'm not sure why i'm like that sometimes. but i honestly didn't mean it in a "get the hell out of my way" way or anything rude or anything. i just couldn't be bothered.
i was later told that he was in a red shirt. you'd think i'd notice a red shirt. but i didn't. i just skirted my way around him while i answered and was on my merry little way.
maybe this is why in my later years i am perpetually single? am i just missing all the cues and clues being thrown my way? am i really that oblivious or do i just not really care? maybe that's why i appreciate guys that just ask me straight up to go out or something. just say "i'm interested in you." otherwise--i miss it. i don't have the patience to sit there and pine around asking those "does he like me, does he not" questions. if i don't know right off the bat if you do or don't--i move on or just don't bother pursuing something. there's no point in wasting time. it's inefficient and i'm not invested enough to do it.
i did a lot of dancing and drinking last night though. my neck hurts. sore from bobbing my head around and doing some head tossing dance moves. i know. isn't dancing with your hips? no. not for me. if i flash my head around no one has to notice that i have no coordinated dance moves to speak of! deflect. deflect. deflect.
good night. got home at near 4am and crashed till about noon today.
might do a couple of cocktails for st. patty's day...but i might be good too. i feel like i should be good after this past week's excess...or really, mostly last night's excess...
funny. i actually had a guy try to hold my hands and steal a kiss on the dance floor. at this point, i was plastered, but, regardless of how uninhibited one gets...i'm not that girl. nice guy. he apologized. i was drunk enough to be gracious and that was that. no need to kick the guy when he's down. just gloss it over and move on. it wasn't like he was aggressive about it. he was actually very gentle in how he tried to go about it. a jerk would have gotten a jerk reaction back. i'm not the nicest person.
i just wasn't interested. probably because i have other interests. and i don't think he was all that interested either. personally, i think he was totally into mae. but regardless, i have no desire to hurt someone's ego in public and in front of their friends...unless they deserve it. and he didn't. but, i did get a great laugh at "what's a cute asian girl like you doing without a boyfriend with her" and "you're definitely a contender." buddy. i don't care if i'm a contender. you're not.
love mae's fiancee. they're totally cute together and she's an awesome person. one of the best people i've met and she deserves someone great. so it's good to see she's got it. he seems considerate and honest. 2 qualities i value highly. oh. and he's had lao sausages before! really. when you think about the vastness of the world--how many people outside of lao people really have had lao sausages before???
i'm hitting the sack. the new work week starts up...and i have a lotttt to finish this week...
it was raining all the way up from nyc to boston. then from boston on up to maine it decided to turn into snow. i think i might have scared my passenger a little with my driving--he's from atlanta. they had their first snow the other day so i don't think he's used to it much. i'm not much used to driving in snow either though so i shouldn't talk.
after having a really late lunch at 5pm with neil and kelly--kelly and i met up with rachel for dinner at 7pm. i know, right?
but i was pretty good. just an island salad with grilled chicken and a cup of new england clam chowder for the first meal, and mussels, a pomegranate martini, and half a scoop of maple ice cream for the second meal. all in all--i didn't really eat all that much i don't think.
tomorrow dawns bright and early. we have to be at the conference site at 8am...gah.
i have a headache. at first it was a starving to death sort of headache but it's morphed into something else. it's 10pm though. so i really should just hit the sack.
somehow, i got hooked up with the best room offered here--a 2 room suite. i have to pay more than the others--but whatever--the company booked us a certain amount and i'm fine having the best room! it's not on me anyways!
1. american idol--i'm not obsessive of the show per se...if i manage to catch the first few episodes in a season--i usually make sure i tune in to the rest of the season...but have i seen every season? no, in fact, i have only seen maybe 2 or 3 seasons since its inception--and it's now in its--heck...i don't know...8th? but i'm liking it. though the guy i really liked never made it through the hollywood rounds. he reminded me of pharrell.
2. which leads me to it's first winner and her latest single...
3. my bed and lying in it
4. the new season of heroes, 30 rock, ugly betty, coldplay in my car
5. new chances, fresh beginnings, and happy endings (no, not the kind you can get at some massage parlours)
no one on the east coast team went out today. hilarious.
but the weather really was hideous.
i bowed down to mother nature's beautiful white fury and just decided to do the other million things i needed to do! i did make 3 attempts too. but short of using the sad broom to literally sweep at the pile of ice and snow blocking my car from the other side of the street (thanks mr. plowman) i was shit out of luck. i should have stayed parked on the other side the night before. but i thought i was outsmarting the plow-person. last time i parked on the other side--he swept it all on that side and i couldn't get out of there for a few days. this time he switched sides and the pile of crusted, caked up ice and snow was literally as tall as my car--no joke.
i should go and purchase a shovel but i won't. something about that really bugs me and i can't quite put my finger on it.
i had a vietnamese style iced coffee (homemade) and just did as much as i could--and at 8:30pm am finally finished--well. for now.
i am home for an entire week! in my own bed! with my own food! and in the city i love!
just in time for the new neighborhood market to open up too! i shall have to take a walk there in the afternoon and see if there is anything good. it used to be a mexican type of grocery store--which i lovvvved because they had the jarritos tamarind soda that i am so fond of and the coconut soda as well--but now it's been through an entire overhaul. i am hoping it is just a nicer looking, cleaner version of the same store.
who knows though. i am thinking i should try and be frugal with my money as well since nyc wants over 1k from me in back taxes. so maybe it's time to relearn restraint? especially with all the traveling i've been doing and the traveling still to come!
anyhow, i am LOVING marinating at home at the moment. i feel like i want to glue myself to my neighborhood, my apartment, my room, my bed--me. it's so nice to just be able to relax at home. i don't care how dorky that sounds. i haven't seen my bed in far too long and i want to make use of the high rent i pay!
funny, half of this was written yesterday but i couldn't figure out what i was forgetting to blog about so i left it unfinished. sadly enough, it must not have been that important because i still don't remember.
i'm over it!
"let's see how long we can keep him before he runs out screaming. i'll pretend to have mild dementia, and you can complain about your sciatica in german. we'll try to beat our personal market-researcher containment record of two hours and twelve minutes" --thursday next first among sequels
cause i took a long weekend and went to visit family and friends in seattle!
gah. plus my timing is all warped now. i slept until 10am yesterday. then slept until 11am today and i'm stillllll tired. plus i've been doing stuff nonstop. wiping up the dash in my car, vacuuming my car, doing some much needed laundry, eating my mom's specially prepared lao food, and doing a ton of WORK (conference calls, spreadsheets, miscellaneous account management, answering calls, meeting preps, solidifying new accounts, handling miscellaneous important and/or urgent pleas for assistance, updating account files, etc.etc.etc.) and traveling non-stop.
my hectic schedule has included:
02/02 - 02/03 : northern jersey 02/12 - 02/17: seattle 02/18 - 02/20: the hamptons 02/23 - 02/27: dirty jersey 03/09 - 03/13: boston and maine 03/23 - 03/27: dirty jersey 03/30 - 04/01: the hamptons 04/09 - 04/13: san francisco
pretty quick turnarounds if you think about it. but i am hoping that the summer will be less hectic. although i think i've been saying this for awhile...
that said--i am watching shaolin soccer. I LOVE STEPHEN CHOW. and this movie is definitely one of my faves--if not my favorite comedy.
it makes me happy when i need it. whenever i need a pick-up in spirits. i turn it on and my mood immediately lifts. it's a much needed balm at times. and it has never failed in its potency. it has never ceased its swift and miraculous impact on my spiritual recovery.
i saw my incredibly adorable new nephew (who seems to have inherited his mother's sneakily clever ways) and the rest of the family as well.
a ton of food eaten and a ton of food in a checked luggage (a complete luggage full) has me completely stuffed to the brim. i really can't imagine a time when i've been so full in recent years...
i loved seeing some of my closest friends as well. that was really nice.
i saw slumdog millionaire--which is INCREDIBLE. i have to say. thus far, every movie i've seen at the theatres has been well worth it.
i finished life of pi on the plane over.
i ate every single type of food i found disappointing in nyc (thai, vietnamese, mexican, dim sum).
it was a visit with many revelations that i could have lived without ever happening to the people i love.
but it was a great visit with the perfect amount of time (sort of). not much of a resting period--and little turnover time, but it all worked out ok.
i missed seeing a few important people to me and that sort of sucks. but i am hopeful that there will come a time in the near future.
i'm looking forward to a break and a vacation. a nice clean break from all that is horrible and tiring and trying and painful. from work and from whatever else that ails me. sometimes the best intentions aren't enough.
"i didn't mean to kill the kid!!"
the outcome, of course, is that someone still died.
i bought an electric toothbrush (finally) and i'm in love with it. i'm a tad obsessed.
i should really pack for my trip tomorrow. my roommate bugged me slightly yesterday.
i've always been enraptured with independence. i've always chafed at being held back or being reigned in or being asked questions about what i'm doing, why, how, when, etc.
i don't like it. i never will. even if i don't know--the only person that will be able to figure it out is ME. if i wanted to have to answer to someone, i'd have married or stayed dependent on my family. i haven't for a reason. i've also been about fairness and privacy. i respect people's privacy and i expect the same. that's where fairness comes in.
it's one thing if this sort of thing comes up in normal conversation--but we all know that there's a difference. there's a different feel and a different way of broaching it. from...
"oh, how was your weekend, did you do anything fun?"
to
"yeah...i noticed you weren't home...could you just like...make sure you let me know when you are going somewhere. i mean i'm not keeping tabs. i just don't want to worry."
this coming from someone who is gone for days at a time and never bothers telling me where she's gone or going as well. plus she knows i am gone days at a time for work. sorry, but you aren't my boss--i do not need to submit my schedule of work to you. and my schedule of play is never up for grabs.
i'm honest--but that doesn't necessarily mean i'm open.
i think she realized she crossed a line though. her reasoning was "it's not that i'm keeping tabs on you or anything--i just worry when i don't see you for a couple of days."
well. i might be inclined to believe that if:
1. we had that type of relationship. 2. she wasn't missing at all hours of the night everyday of the week. 3. she made me privy to all of HER comings and goings. 4. if she herself ever gave me notice when she goes missing days at a time. 5. etc.etc.etc.
i honestly don't believe i'm overreacting. i just can't stand people being nosy and prying into my business and acting like it's a sincere inquiry when none of the actions they themselves display are consistent with it. i'm not angry--just annoyed.
my answer to her was "honestly, i'm not used to answering to anyone and i doubt that would ever change. i won't always tell you where i'm going or what i'm doing unless it comes up. and i don't expect you to tell me what you're up to--which you already don't do as well...so, yeah."
anyhow, she did end up feeling extremely uncomfortable and apologizing. but this is the 3rd time we've had this conversation. i mean seriously--stop bugging me. next time i might be more succinct. if you have gotten this reaction and answer from me before--chances are--THAT'S THE ANSWER. it won't change.
it's not personal. i just don't like people getting up in my personal business in the guise of "concern." heck. i didn't like it when my own family asked me questions--what makes you think i owe you any explanation about what i do in my free time or if i'm traveling for work?
besides. i know it's not concern. i have a strong suspicion it's just for her own selfish reasons. my instincts aren't terrible. you can't do my job and have no instincts. it really is about going with your guts and--i am good at what i do. and i'm just saying--be honest and open and i'll be the same back to you. otherwise--don't expect me to do something you aren't willing to do yourself.
seriously. why is it still so hectic? oh yeah...probably because i keep missing a week's worth of work for something or other and still have a ton of work to do.
slightly annoying really. i'm really tired. and to switch over to west coast time for a long weekend? could possibly be detrimental to my health....stalking up on the new chapters immunity take care!
i did an overnight in jersey and it was nice. but i've had 3 violent dreams for 3 consecutive nights. i don't remember the 2nd one so much--but i remember the 1st and the one from last night...
it's making me slightly tentative about flying cross country i tell you. but i'm sure it's all in my head.
conference call first thing tomorrow morning--taking up precious time...and then thursday--a relatively easy day planned because i get on said flight (thank god it's direct) to seattle!
drinks with my brother and then for friday--apparently...i am on a "list" to get into a club in downtown seattle. hilarious. i've never been on a "list" so it's slightly cracking me up.
february 18th (wednesday) joy got us tickets to david letterman!!! guest donald trump. i'm looking forward to the top 10 list. we are "guests of cbs" courtesy of some cbs bigwig that was hitting on joy while she was waitressing (no doubt). crack me up.
the week's over. it's been a long week. conference call after conference call. don't get me wrong--the information has been incredibly edifying. it just takes a toll as well. then there's been the weather. i love winter. i love snow. i just don't like having to drive in it! it's beautiful. deadly beautiful.
i was going to meet up with joy for shabu and drinks tonight--but i just couldn't stomach getting dressed and going out and i've been doing some work as well. it's just been really tiring and tomorrow will be an all day affair as well. i just didn't have the energy in me to do it!
so on deck tomorrow will be shabu for lunch with mae. then bed bath and beyond somewhere in long island. and then a movie (either gran turino or slumdog millionaire). i'm really excited. i've been dying to see both movies and just haven't found the opportunity or the time.
then a few days of work before i head back to seattle. i'm so excited to see the family and the new nephew and just to be back in the area. i get all nostalgic. all sentimental.
i'm a mix of contradictions. it used to confuse me. i embrace it now. i'm judgmental in an impersonal way--most people don't matter enough for me to be personal about it. i know how that sounds but it is, what it is. if you've been a victim of my tongue lashing--or look of disdain--it's never been personal. i'm rarely personal. the majority of people just aren't important enough to elicit an emotional response. only to people i care about. empathetic--not sympathetic. hot and passionate about certain issues--cold and austere about the rest. but i do have a strong streak of unexpected sentimentality.
i love good people. not the fake ones that put on a front. not the ones that are saccharin sweet--but the ones that admit their flaws and still, don't let it rule their lives. hard, ascerbic wit melded with a heavy dose of self-awareness and hope. everyday is a struggle to be good, to do good but at the same time, live life and have fun. but they always choose, when it counts, to do the right thing and not be bogged by life's little details. the ones that are generous in every sense of the word and truly care about something--whether it's people or not. they just emit goodness. the considerate ones. the chivalrous ones. the passionate ones--whether they show you straight up with intensity or whether they hide behind their lackadaisical nature. you know they care. the ones that don't take themselves so seriously and have a hint of mischief in their demeanor. the ones that love their family--flaws and all. the ones that live life.
i don't romanticize people's characteristics. i'm well aware of the pitfalls of every quality--the polarity that exists with them. i just don't feel that the negative aspect should be the focus. i've been lucky in my life to be surrounded by people like this from the time of my birth. i've rarely met people that i felt were worthy enough to be in the same category--but when i do--i've always tried to cherish my time with them--nothing lasts forever. but i never forget the impact they had on me. they become a part of the many shards of my life--gaining access to the lapses of sentimental thought that pass fleetingly through my mind at inopportune moments throughout my life. and while that may not sound impressive in its significance--considering the words that preceeded--if you let go of the minor detail and any prejudice you might have--you'll realize that, in the grander scheme of my life--they become present throughout--always impacting it. at least while i live and have some semblance of a memory.
i have many heroes and many character detractors. i care for none of them and care for all of them. i've never needed to have their approval--just their company. both reinforces my beliefs, passion, and drive. i'm well aware of my own flaws. the pride. the vanity. the lack of sympathy for normal human conditions. all details. none of it matters. the bigger picture is that it doesn't stop me from believing in the goodness we all encompass. the goodness that exists in one person is more potent than all the horror stories i read about on a daily basis. it sustains me until the next low. and when i hit that low--those shards. those shards are all i need to remember.
i've been blessed to have many shards. memories that bring unadulterated joy to my life. i'm so fortunate to have found a few more good people that have already added to that collection and in the times to come--will no doubt--add some more. my time in ny and with my coworkers has been incredibly enriching.
i've never needed security. it hinders freedom. i accept my precarious decision now. i have no desire to fight my inner nature. i am what i am.
life is good...and this is what happens when you have a good chat with someone who has impacted your life positively...well--that and decided to stay in on a friday night. :) i'm not a good person in the normal sense of the word. i think most people i've met have probably thought of me as incredibly cold, judgmental, harsh and heartless. but i've never claimed to be good. too many flaws, too many missed opportunities, too many selfish decisions, too many times of self-absorption. this little manifesto itself is self-indulgent. but that doesn't mean i can't spot goodness and appreciate it when i find it. they give me hope. make me feel like i can fly. that this world is worth saving--and that's why i do what i do and believe what i believe.
i don't need to be a good person when there are so many good people already existent in this world. i don't need to be a good person--i just have to surround myself with good people! haha
because there are levels of nearly everything. levels of pain. levels of crime. levels of love. levels of hate. it's all there. if you don't discern the difference--then every crime should have the same punishment.
that said--i think i do, in fact, owe the state of ny money. gahhhhhhh. that's soooooo vexing.
i kept meaning to do a brief synopsis of so many things--and just never got around to it--and now...can readily admit i never will! but below is a picture of me and a coworker from our team meeting in burlington vermont the 2nd week of december...i was sick as a dog--which was unfortunate because i look like hell in every photo. i'm not photogenic anyways though--so ehhh. oh well!
"don't let your morale flag. be daunted, but not defeated. remember: the spirit, above all else, counts. if you have the will to live, you will." -- life of pi
"you may not believe in life, but i don't believe in death. move on! the reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity--it's envy. life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. but life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud."
~~~
i have spent hours and hours and i am disgusted that i owe money. i used 2 different online programs to make sure. the first one made me pay more--but the second one still means i owe money.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
i am going to take it to a tax professional now because maybe--i've just messed up somewhere and am missing some deductions. but if it ends up that i owe money even after that plus had to pay the guy? i'll be pissed.
i need to get married. or adopt a kid ASAP.
i hate this time of year. well. i do now.
3 separate and additional ny taxes and i still owe money???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
exhorbitant living arrangements and i still owe money to the state of ny??? wth?
i am extremely perturbed by this. and that's putting it mildly! i will revisit this tomorrow when i check and re-enter information.
"when you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling." --life of pi
~~~
again. i honestly don't remember being bombarded with so many different times of snow before in my life. it makes for a very interesting work day. i've been changing my plans because of my unwillingness to drive to certain areas that are sure to have more snow. but it's ok i think.
i get my work in regardless so it shouldn't be that big a deal.
sometimes you know when something just isn't right. i feel like i'm observant enough and open enough to see things that others don't necessarily see or appreciate--and i feel like i'm a relatively good judge of character? but obviously i'm not infallible. regardless of any of that. i just thought i'd write that. this really has nothing to do with anything. but it's my blog so i can write what i want.
i finally created a gmail email account. so that's nice--no spam so far!
I am the Kaleidoscope of the mind.
I impart light, color and perpetual motion.
I think, I see, I am moved by electric fluidity.
Constant only in my inconstancy
I am unshackled by mundane holds,
Unchecked by sturdy, binding goals.
I run unimpeded through virgin paths.
My spirit unconquered--
My soul forever free.
