so glad

the week's over. it's been a long week. conference call after conference call. don't get me wrong--the information has been incredibly edifying. it just takes a toll as well. then there's been the weather. i love winter. i love snow. i just don't like having to drive in it! it's beautiful. deadly beautiful.

i was going to meet up with joy for shabu and drinks tonight--but i just couldn't stomach getting dressed and going out and i've been doing some work as well. it's just been really tiring and tomorrow will be an all day affair as well. i just didn't have the energy in me to do it!

so on deck tomorrow will be shabu for lunch with mae. then bed bath and beyond somewhere in long island. and then a movie (either gran turino or slumdog millionaire). i'm really excited. i've been dying to see both movies and just haven't found the opportunity or the time.

then a few days of work before i head back to seattle. i'm so excited to see the family and the new nephew and just to be back in the area. i get all nostalgic. all sentimental.

i'm a mix of contradictions. it used to confuse me. i embrace it now. i'm judgmental in an impersonal way--most people don't matter enough for me to be personal about it. i know how that sounds but it is, what it is. if you've been a victim of my tongue lashing--or look of disdain--it's never been personal. i'm rarely personal. the majority of people just aren't important enough to elicit an emotional response. only to people i care about. empathetic--not sympathetic. hot and passionate about certain issues--cold and austere about the rest. but i do have a strong streak of unexpected sentimentality.

i love good people. not the fake ones that put on a front. not the ones that are saccharin sweet--but the ones that admit their flaws and still, don't let it rule their lives. hard, ascerbic wit melded with a heavy dose of self-awareness and hope. everyday is a struggle to be good, to do good but at the same time, live life and have fun. but they always choose, when it counts, to do the right thing and not be bogged by life's little details. the ones that are generous in every sense of the word and truly care about something--whether it's people or not. they just emit goodness. the considerate ones. the chivalrous ones. the passionate ones--whether they show you straight up with intensity or whether they hide behind their lackadaisical nature. you know they care. the ones that don't take themselves so seriously and have a hint of mischief in their demeanor. the ones that love their family--flaws and all. the ones that live life.

i don't romanticize people's characteristics. i'm well aware of the pitfalls of every quality--the polarity that exists with them. i just don't feel that the negative aspect should be the focus. i've been lucky in my life to be surrounded by people like this from the time of my birth. i've rarely met people that i felt were worthy enough to be in the same category--but when i do--i've always tried to cherish my time with them--nothing lasts forever. but i never forget the impact they had on me. they become a part of the many shards of my life--gaining access to the lapses of sentimental thought that pass fleetingly through my mind at inopportune moments throughout my life. and while that may not sound impressive in its significance--considering the words that preceeded--if you let go of the minor detail and any prejudice you might have--you'll realize that, in the grander scheme of my life--they become present throughout--always impacting it. at least while i live and have some semblance of a memory.

i have many heroes and many character detractors. i care for none of them and care for all of them. i've never needed to have their approval--just their company. both reinforces my beliefs, passion, and drive. i'm well aware of my own flaws. the pride. the vanity. the lack of sympathy for normal human conditions. all details. none of it matters. the bigger picture is that it doesn't stop me from believing in the goodness we all encompass. the goodness that exists in one person is more potent than all the horror stories i read about on a daily basis. it sustains me until the next low. and when i hit that low--those shards. those shards are all i need to remember.

i've been blessed to have many shards. memories that bring unadulterated joy to my life. i'm so fortunate to have found a few more good people that have already added to that collection and in the times to come--will no doubt--add some more. my time in ny and with my coworkers has been incredibly enriching.

i've never needed security. it hinders freedom. i accept my precarious decision now. i have no desire to fight my inner nature. i am what i am.

life is good...and this is what happens when you have a good chat with someone who has impacted your life positively...well--that and decided to stay in on a friday night. :) i'm not a good person in the normal sense of the word. i think most people i've met have probably thought of me as incredibly cold, judgmental, harsh and heartless. but i've never claimed to be good. too many flaws, too many missed opportunities, too many selfish decisions, too many times of self-absorption. this little manifesto itself is self-indulgent. but that doesn't mean i can't spot goodness and appreciate it when i find it. they give me hope. make me feel like i can fly. that this world is worth saving--and that's why i do what i do and believe what i believe.

i don't need to be a good person when there are so many good people already existent in this world. i don't need to be a good person--i just have to surround myself with good people! haha