old book, new chapters

it's been just over 6 months now since my major move from sleepy, quaint, gorgeous bellingham, washington to bright lights, big city, hip brooklyn, new york. i guess timing hits about right for me to start reflecting on everything.

i'm not sure if it's a normal thing to do or not--hanging on to the remnants of ghosts in your past--but perhaps i've been guilty of this action. i've tried so hard to maintain my sense of self (so successful that i have become someone i don't quite recognize), my relationships (morbid at best), my new job (successful), and having a semblance of a social life (ehhhhh).

i'm so blessed for all the things i do have--so i feel more than fine griping about what i don't have. :)

which leads me to my present rancor. when you're hanging onto something from your past--does it spell doom for the future?

the answer for me--in my present situation--seems to be yes.

i guess i wanted something so much that i forgot to think about myself and my current status.

i made the classic mistake of holding onto something from the past. i made the mistake of thinking that my past could morph into my future--and forgot that the present still exists--that i can't get to my future without my present. i also seem to have made the mistake of thinking that my past was somehow more important than the actual present.

and then i added the mistake of thinking that my past, which fit so well in my past present--would also fit into my current present.

wrong.
wrong.
wrong.

i hate when i'm wrong.

i guess you can't hold onto things forever--and you shouldn't. things weren't meant to be forever. and that's fine.

leading me to my 2 horrible situations. it seems that maintaining certain relationships nearly prohibits a social life of some sort. the two--are linked (imagine that).

so. i will make sure now to fully appreciate the gift i've been given here.

it's time to live again.

~~~

i know my blog is public--but it always is such a surprise when people i don't know leave comments. i mean, it's not a bad thing...it's just...how'd they even find the blog?

~~~

bellingham, washington

brooklyn, new york